Fighting Voices.

And today is one of THOSE days...
I cannot move forward, and i will not move backwards.
And i find myself in THIS place, Unsure of what comes next.

I feel....
Annoying. Worthless. Unimportant. Replaceable. Unbreakable, yet broken.... Unreachable and unchanging... Unaffected. Needy. Irritating. Out of control. Stupid. Self conscious. Uneducated. Unworthy. Forgotten. Shallow. Mean. Naive. Vulnerable. Desperate. Unloved. Embarrassed. Selfish. Jealous. Scared. Unwanted. Childish. Sad. Cold. Hate. Anger. Hopelessness. Shame. Hurt. Pain. Anxiety. 

I am....
Grasping for the invisible.  Unsatisfiable. Unsatisfying. A Mistake. A Burden. A Task. Charity. A Last resort. Unhearing. Too much effort. Not enough. Too much.

And SOME days.... i wonder why i ever stopped claiming these statements, because MOST days, i still feel them.

And some days i wonder why THIS is worth it.
And some days i wonder why YOU keep calling me forward.
And some days i wonder why i don't let MY GOD be big enough to conquer these voices that are suffocating my very BEING.
And EVERYDAY i have to wake up and PURSUE the path You have laid for me instead of WILLINGLY running towards what i know and am comfortable with.

I long for the embrace and bliss of the everything and nothing

 that i used to find through the world...

And i wish i could say i long even more for the embrace and bliss of the

everything and nothing i KNOW i find in You,

 but im just not there today... this week... this month. I am not.
1y4m8d and not a second i don't wish to return.