This Place.

Oh Father… WHY am I gasping and grasping…
WHAT are You trying to teach me?!

Father, YOU asked me to let go of what I know,
and I placed my hands in my lap.
Father, YOU asked me to trust You,
and I jumped without looking.
Father, YOU said You had a plan and a path,
and I closed my eyes and let You lead me.

YOU asked me to be vulnerable, YOU asked me to make room, and YOU told me that things would be okay. So how and why am I in this place… the one place that seems to be at the end of every path You have laid for me?  After each fresh start, after each renewal… I find myself in this very spot, in this very broken spot. The one full of regret, of sorrow, of confusion, or brokeness, of anger, of sadness...  What is here for me?

I searched for healing, clarity, and love, and You told me where to go, so how did I end up back where I started? Why do You bless me with times when I feel whole and ready to conquer this world, fully prepared to grow, teachable, and open… Why Father?
Each time that they end this way, I hate them even more.

Why do I feel like all my support has fallen out, left me hanging, and gasping for something to fill me up and grasping for something to keep me from sinking any further?

I know You are here Father, so why can’t I feel Your love? It is about so much more than feelings… but in this time, and in this place, I need to feel You, I need to know that You are near and that You care. 

Why is it my default to reflect upon my weakness, to wish that I hadn’t walked away from it? Why does this place taunt me, and beg me to return? Why have I been able to walk away and felt strong enough, but not tonight? I know which way You are asking me to go, but at least for tonight, I don’t have the strength… 

Why am I so hard to love? Why do I push away? Why… am I so far away, and much too close, all in the same moment. 

Broken… hurts. And loneliness, hurts. And friendship, hurts. And being alone, hurts. And loving You, hurts. And living without You, hurts.

Will I ever feel the way I felt the day I decided that You were mine? Or the day I was proud to call You my God? Or the day I was born fresh in Your name? Or the day I decided that honoring Your name was more important than a grade? Or the day I decided that Your love surpassed the superficial friendships I found in this world? Or the day that I proclaimed that what You had done in my life would be far stronger than my desires to harm myself? Or the first day I worshipped You uninhibited and uninterrupted and with my whole entire heart and my whole entire life?

Or will I keep living the way I did when I decided my ungodly relationship would take precedence over You? Or the day when I decided these few areas of my life weren’t ready to be fully Yours yet? Or the day I decided that MY control and my Siobi FIFF would never surrender, because it was separate from my relationship with You? Or the day that I decided my heart could worship You and defy You at the same time?

Why does trusting You mean knowing that You will break me? From my brokenness, You will create beauty, I KNOW. But why am I willing to follow until it hurts, but not willing to stick around long enough to find the beauty? 

This pattern feels like it can’t end…
Trusting, loving, breaking, losing. Trusting. Loving. Breaking. Losing.
Will I make it through my valley and glorify Your name… Will I choose You and not the world… Will I trust that You know my plan… Will I trust that You know my heart more than I do?.... Will I trust that Your beauty is within my heart, will I trust that You have good plans for me, will I trust… Will I trust?

Father, if it’s what it takes, break me, and remake me,
because I don’t want to stay in THIS place.

Fighting Voices.

And today is one of THOSE days...
I cannot move forward, and i will not move backwards.
And i find myself in THIS place, Unsure of what comes next.

I feel....
Annoying. Worthless. Unimportant. Replaceable. Unbreakable, yet broken.... Unreachable and unchanging... Unaffected. Needy. Irritating. Out of control. Stupid. Self conscious. Uneducated. Unworthy. Forgotten. Shallow. Mean. Naive. Vulnerable. Desperate. Unloved. Embarrassed. Selfish. Jealous. Scared. Unwanted. Childish. Sad. Cold. Hate. Anger. Hopelessness. Shame. Hurt. Pain. Anxiety. 

I am....
Grasping for the invisible.  Unsatisfiable. Unsatisfying. A Mistake. A Burden. A Task. Charity. A Last resort. Unhearing. Too much effort. Not enough. Too much.

And SOME days.... i wonder why i ever stopped claiming these statements, because MOST days, i still feel them.

And some days i wonder why THIS is worth it.
And some days i wonder why YOU keep calling me forward.
And some days i wonder why i don't let MY GOD be big enough to conquer these voices that are suffocating my very BEING.
And EVERYDAY i have to wake up and PURSUE the path You have laid for me instead of WILLINGLY running towards what i know and am comfortable with.

I long for the embrace and bliss of the everything and nothing

 that i used to find through the world...

And i wish i could say i long even more for the embrace and bliss of the

everything and nothing i KNOW i find in You,

 but im just not there today... this week... this month. I am not.
1y4m8d and not a second i don't wish to return.

Teach me.

And on this evening i feel YOU speaking...
Unable to sleep, but unsure of what else to do.

HOW... HOW can I feel so lonely and broken in a time when God's work is so evident and CLEAR to me? And how can I watch the pain in the lives around me and not have the heart or the strength or the words to do anything to help? God is FINALLY beginning to reveal pieces of His plan to me, the plan that i have been seeking and begging to be a part of, and somehow, with that peace, came an unexplainable sadness.

How can WHO I AM, who GOD created me to be, have such a negative effect on how i am feeling in the midst of such a Christ directed time in my life? i KNOW these things are according to his plan... i KNOW this, i BELIEVE this, yet WHO I AM is crying, because this isn't how i do things...

There are SO MANY people, places, situations and seasons in my life that have broken me down, ripped me apart and smashed me, all for a purpose. Each has been the beginning of huge changes that make me who i am on this day, 19 years young.... But how do i walk away from these, reaping the benefits and forgetting the past? When i reflect on my life i clearly see the places that i had the biggest shifts.... In 5th grade when i decided that my peers and the adults in my life weren't worth it, turning instead to paper... reading, writing, pouring out and sucking up everything that i could find that DIDN'T involve people i knew... the things i wrote and the things i read, helping me to decide at age 12 that life couldn't possible be worth anything, there would never be a brighter future for this girl... Or at the age of 14 when i decided that i just didn't care anymore, i would live my life as carelessly as i wanted, if i was going to be hurt i mine as well make it worth it... and when i was 16 and i decided that life was too precious to be so lonely, that i could build real and meaningful relationships... When i weeded out all the people who were toxic and started fresh... and when i was 18 and i realized that i live in a fallen and broken world, and when the floor boards fell out of my life and EVERYTHING i knew to be true, whole, or worthy of my love and time... Shattered. And i see myself today, fully aware of my desire to keep the world at arms length.... and CONTINUALLY, God shoots certain people into my life like rockets, puncturing the walls i have placed around me...

I cant tell you why the last two weeks have been so hard. As much as i reflect on Trinity and think about how its NOT what i wanted it to be, hoped for it to be, or asked God for it to be, i realize that like it or not, THIS is God's plan for my life. He chooses people to put in my life for reasons or seasons to teach me things i wouldn't other wise be able to grasp... But each time their reason or season has passed, its like ripping the bandaid off of something i thought was almost healed. Walking through the halls of Trinity, and being surrounded by others who know God's truth (regardless of whether they express it through word and deed) has created a community for me that i didn't realize i needed... Since everyone left for summer, i feel like i have been abandoned. Sitting in young adults group, i asked God how i could possibly feel so sad and alone sitting in a room full of people who love me merely for the fact that i am a sister in Christ... And i was gently reminded that when i take the time to look, i am never alone... He never lets go, and He never stops pursuing...

WHY, Why God, are You opening the doors to places and people when i don't feel ready? You are saying go, You are telling me to trust you, YOU are asking me to jump... Is the suffering, the pain, and the starting over also part of Your plan? Of course it is... From my brokenness, You know me apart from the rest of the world...

WHY is my need for order and control so hard to surrender when i know that You take the good in my life and transform it to great things when i let You? Why have i knowingly walked away from my community that i poured so much energy and heart into at a time when i needed it the most? Why are You moving me to new beginnings when i worked so hard to build my fresh start? Why have i felt so broken and hopeless, moved to tears, even though i feel Your love so purely?

And why, God, am i letting my fear of people keep me from those who You have clearly asked me to let in? Why am i denying myself the love and the healing that i know is waiting for me right on the other side of this self created wall.. WHAT will it take to decide that vulnerable is not so bad? And what will it take for me to realize that not everyone in life is out to hurt me, and that no one is perfect?

Maybe this time, i will follow the path You have left for me,
without reservation and simply because You said GO.

Please teach me how to love.

Trial.

Blah blah in the blah blah