This Place.

Oh Father… WHY am I gasping and grasping…
WHAT are You trying to teach me?!

Father, YOU asked me to let go of what I know,
and I placed my hands in my lap.
Father, YOU asked me to trust You,
and I jumped without looking.
Father, YOU said You had a plan and a path,
and I closed my eyes and let You lead me.

YOU asked me to be vulnerable, YOU asked me to make room, and YOU told me that things would be okay. So how and why am I in this place… the one place that seems to be at the end of every path You have laid for me?  After each fresh start, after each renewal… I find myself in this very spot, in this very broken spot. The one full of regret, of sorrow, of confusion, or brokeness, of anger, of sadness...  What is here for me?

I searched for healing, clarity, and love, and You told me where to go, so how did I end up back where I started? Why do You bless me with times when I feel whole and ready to conquer this world, fully prepared to grow, teachable, and open… Why Father?
Each time that they end this way, I hate them even more.

Why do I feel like all my support has fallen out, left me hanging, and gasping for something to fill me up and grasping for something to keep me from sinking any further?

I know You are here Father, so why can’t I feel Your love? It is about so much more than feelings… but in this time, and in this place, I need to feel You, I need to know that You are near and that You care. 

Why is it my default to reflect upon my weakness, to wish that I hadn’t walked away from it? Why does this place taunt me, and beg me to return? Why have I been able to walk away and felt strong enough, but not tonight? I know which way You are asking me to go, but at least for tonight, I don’t have the strength… 

Why am I so hard to love? Why do I push away? Why… am I so far away, and much too close, all in the same moment. 

Broken… hurts. And loneliness, hurts. And friendship, hurts. And being alone, hurts. And loving You, hurts. And living without You, hurts.

Will I ever feel the way I felt the day I decided that You were mine? Or the day I was proud to call You my God? Or the day I was born fresh in Your name? Or the day I decided that honoring Your name was more important than a grade? Or the day I decided that Your love surpassed the superficial friendships I found in this world? Or the day that I proclaimed that what You had done in my life would be far stronger than my desires to harm myself? Or the first day I worshipped You uninhibited and uninterrupted and with my whole entire heart and my whole entire life?

Or will I keep living the way I did when I decided my ungodly relationship would take precedence over You? Or the day when I decided these few areas of my life weren’t ready to be fully Yours yet? Or the day I decided that MY control and my Siobi FIFF would never surrender, because it was separate from my relationship with You? Or the day that I decided my heart could worship You and defy You at the same time?

Why does trusting You mean knowing that You will break me? From my brokenness, You will create beauty, I KNOW. But why am I willing to follow until it hurts, but not willing to stick around long enough to find the beauty? 

This pattern feels like it can’t end…
Trusting, loving, breaking, losing. Trusting. Loving. Breaking. Losing.
Will I make it through my valley and glorify Your name… Will I choose You and not the world… Will I trust that You know my plan… Will I trust that You know my heart more than I do?.... Will I trust that Your beauty is within my heart, will I trust that You have good plans for me, will I trust… Will I trust?

Father, if it’s what it takes, break me, and remake me,
because I don’t want to stay in THIS place.