More than anything in this world, I just need to be hugged
and told that I am loved. I need to know that I am worthy. I need to know that I
deserve to be loved through the ugliness of my everyday life… I have never learned
to love. Only to run… even now. I am hurt, and I am unworthy. I am broken. And I
can’t get off the roller coaster of wanting healing and wanting to cling to the
comfort of sin. I have never faced life for what it was meant to be… I clung to
the blade and the fire. I clung to Mel. I clung to thievery. I clung to Mia. I clung
to alcohol. I clung to pills. I clung to YOU for a short time, but I always
found something I thought could be more… I always know I have a void that is
God shaped and God alone, but I always think I can piece together enough things
to fill the gap… I never will. I love You. I feel You. I know You. I hide from
You. Or at least I try. You are whispering… and I’m too busy singing. Be loud,
Father, reach me… shout for me… break me to pieces because I don’t deserve You.
I feel the urgency, I know You are there, why can’t I let go of the burden that
was never mine to carry? Why can’t I be humble? And why is there no one available
to tell me that this TEMPORARY life will be okay in the end? Why have I
shredded my safety net and why have I harvested the wrong crops for so many years?
Why don’t I feel any meaning or purpose in this stupid life? You called me out
of this darkness seven years ago and every single day I have dug my grave
instead… when do I wake up? When do I let You lead? Why can’t I cry and why can’t
I feel the love in my life? Why don’t I respond to my calling and my name…? You
are there, but where am I?! My pieces don’t fit Yours and I don’t think it’s a matter
of perspective or angle… it’s a heart issue, and I can’t do this alone. Call me… call me, call me, call me. Give me a
calling… God, why couldn’t I embrace a mentor when I had one? Why couldn’t I accept
love when I was being loved? Why couldn’t I rise above when I had the chance? Why
couldn’t I provoke a generation of change? I hurt. I hurt. I hurt. Is this even
real? How did I end up in today? And how did I escape the yesterday I never
thought I would survive? Why aren’t I a blessing to anyone? Why don’t I matter
and why do I not feel used by You? I’m too good to be wasted and not good enough
to be used… I am stuck in the middle. I will be spit out. I will be rejected. I
will be denied. I am worth more. Why can’t I own it? I hate yesterday and I don’t
know how to love tomorrow. I can’t get past today. Where are YOU... and why can’t
I accept You as you are... Why can’t I accept ME as I am? Will I EVER hear “well
done my good and faithful servant”, or will Siobi FIFF always be the anthem of
my life? Will that always be the sum of my worth? Will the straight and narrow
ever be my prize in the horizon or will I always live for MY here and now?
I am YOUR girl, but no one can tell.
