Teach me.

And on this evening i feel YOU speaking...
Unable to sleep, but unsure of what else to do.

HOW... HOW can I feel so lonely and broken in a time when God's work is so evident and CLEAR to me? And how can I watch the pain in the lives around me and not have the heart or the strength or the words to do anything to help? God is FINALLY beginning to reveal pieces of His plan to me, the plan that i have been seeking and begging to be a part of, and somehow, with that peace, came an unexplainable sadness.

How can WHO I AM, who GOD created me to be, have such a negative effect on how i am feeling in the midst of such a Christ directed time in my life? i KNOW these things are according to his plan... i KNOW this, i BELIEVE this, yet WHO I AM is crying, because this isn't how i do things...

There are SO MANY people, places, situations and seasons in my life that have broken me down, ripped me apart and smashed me, all for a purpose. Each has been the beginning of huge changes that make me who i am on this day, 19 years young.... But how do i walk away from these, reaping the benefits and forgetting the past? When i reflect on my life i clearly see the places that i had the biggest shifts.... In 5th grade when i decided that my peers and the adults in my life weren't worth it, turning instead to paper... reading, writing, pouring out and sucking up everything that i could find that DIDN'T involve people i knew... the things i wrote and the things i read, helping me to decide at age 12 that life couldn't possible be worth anything, there would never be a brighter future for this girl... Or at the age of 14 when i decided that i just didn't care anymore, i would live my life as carelessly as i wanted, if i was going to be hurt i mine as well make it worth it... and when i was 16 and i decided that life was too precious to be so lonely, that i could build real and meaningful relationships... When i weeded out all the people who were toxic and started fresh... and when i was 18 and i realized that i live in a fallen and broken world, and when the floor boards fell out of my life and EVERYTHING i knew to be true, whole, or worthy of my love and time... Shattered. And i see myself today, fully aware of my desire to keep the world at arms length.... and CONTINUALLY, God shoots certain people into my life like rockets, puncturing the walls i have placed around me...

I cant tell you why the last two weeks have been so hard. As much as i reflect on Trinity and think about how its NOT what i wanted it to be, hoped for it to be, or asked God for it to be, i realize that like it or not, THIS is God's plan for my life. He chooses people to put in my life for reasons or seasons to teach me things i wouldn't other wise be able to grasp... But each time their reason or season has passed, its like ripping the bandaid off of something i thought was almost healed. Walking through the halls of Trinity, and being surrounded by others who know God's truth (regardless of whether they express it through word and deed) has created a community for me that i didn't realize i needed... Since everyone left for summer, i feel like i have been abandoned. Sitting in young adults group, i asked God how i could possibly feel so sad and alone sitting in a room full of people who love me merely for the fact that i am a sister in Christ... And i was gently reminded that when i take the time to look, i am never alone... He never lets go, and He never stops pursuing...

WHY, Why God, are You opening the doors to places and people when i don't feel ready? You are saying go, You are telling me to trust you, YOU are asking me to jump... Is the suffering, the pain, and the starting over also part of Your plan? Of course it is... From my brokenness, You know me apart from the rest of the world...

WHY is my need for order and control so hard to surrender when i know that You take the good in my life and transform it to great things when i let You? Why have i knowingly walked away from my community that i poured so much energy and heart into at a time when i needed it the most? Why are You moving me to new beginnings when i worked so hard to build my fresh start? Why have i felt so broken and hopeless, moved to tears, even though i feel Your love so purely?

And why, God, am i letting my fear of people keep me from those who You have clearly asked me to let in? Why am i denying myself the love and the healing that i know is waiting for me right on the other side of this self created wall.. WHAT will it take to decide that vulnerable is not so bad? And what will it take for me to realize that not everyone in life is out to hurt me, and that no one is perfect?

Maybe this time, i will follow the path You have left for me,
without reservation and simply because You said GO.

Please teach me how to love.